My step class nightmare

I wrote this a few years ago. It's SO funny. Sadly it's also true.

Imagine this. You are fat. You are out of shape. You boobs sag to China and your hips are wider than the local expansion bridge. You have not been to the gym, in any steady capacity since summer. You are having your monthly “friend”.

A friend talks you into going to a step class. She says, "oh, it's so much fun! You'll really like it!" So you attend. Nervous at first, you get going. The class is one hour long. 15 minutes in you are breathing like a dog in heat. 20 minutes and your face is red like a beet, sweat starting to drip between your breasts and eke down your back. At thirty minutes you think..."step, touch THIS bitch" as you feel the blood in your veins coursing through your brain. At 35 minutes you think, oh man, this is what a simultaneous heart-attack /stroke feels like. 40 minutes and you are begging the devil to kill your instructor, or at least strangle her with her perky smile and that annoying microphone! 50 minutes and you've already been off the step and on the floor for 5, just plodding along, hoping no one notices how terrible you are feeling, breathing and doing in this class. When the cool down starts you think, I am never going to cool down. PUSH UPS!?! SIT-UPS!?! This might not be what you bargained for.

You are tired, you have had two quarts of water during this class but your are dying for more. Your sweat is sweating you’re so hot. The water dripping off the your split ends is disgusting and you just want to go home and shower. But you get cornered by the desk. The perky and nice instructor comes over to see if you enjoyed the class. You lie and say "if I can walk tomorrow, I'll be back next week” “Hee-Hee” * Insert fake smile here* Turns out she is a Doctor’s wife and they have two Bulldogs. Sadly you enjoy the chit chat, thus sealing your place in next week's one hour torture session.

So you leave the den of embarrassment, otherwise known as the gym. Waddle out to the car, no coat, cause it would get sweaty, but your car seat gets sweaty too. You struggle to concentrate on the ride home, still hot and sweaty, the first inkling of a headache starting in your lower back and throbbing it's way to your right eye. You get home, think about bending over to pat your cat. Think twice since you would then need to call a friend to help you stand back up. You call your brother and his girlfriend, who had kindly invited you for dinner. Make excuses. Don't mention the headache. Tell them that your two months of chiropracty have been undone in the longest hour of your life. Deal with the guilt.

Shower. Haul sad sack of self out when the hot water runs out. Stretch while naked and putting on tanning lotion (know you'll look cute tomorrow, whether you can move or not). You realize, oh my goodness, I can actually touch my toes and not bend my knees!! That hasn't occurred since the initial back pain. WOW! Know you won't be able to do that in an hour, let alone tomorrow, so you savor the moment.

Have a Lean Cuisine Turkey dinner and an orange smoothie. Snuggle into bed, only to get up 10 minutes later to pee. Figure out the two quarts of water you had at the class is leaving your system. Take four Motrin to combat the pain in your back and the biting eye muncher that now lives in your head. Go back to bed. 45minutes later, pee again. Snuggle in, moan, try to get comfortable. Cry. Watch the Olympics. Pee again. Stretch while up this time...wait...don't touch your toes, the eye muncher will just get angry and the throbbing won't let up. You think your head may explode may explode! OY!

Ahhhhh finally, lights out, made it. 2 hours later, your eyes pop open...must PEE, must RUN!